I’m Still Fighting for Peace.

How do I say enough to the one I love? How do I tell them that they’re hurting me? How do I tell them that the bruises are too hard to hide? What a beautiful thing turned to dust because of the pain endured over these past months.

How do I know when I’ve had enough? Is it when I feel my head hitting the wall or when I hide the bruises on my wrists, but my shirt doesn’t have long enough sleeves? Or is it when my friends try to hug me and I have to tell them to be careful because my body is in agony? As a victim of abuse I’ve lost all sense of life. I’m a new person, a person I never wanted to become. It’s as if every bit of life has been sucked from my soul, chewed up, then spit back into me. The heart never returning to its owner.

It hurts knowing I survived the abuse. It’s the aftermath that kills me the most. Day after day I blame myself for someone else’s anger. What did I do for someone to be so mad at me that they needed to hurt me? What did I do to the one I love and who’s supposed to love me so dearly to make them feel that words weren’t enough? I don’t believe I understand love anymore.

I thought you were it. The one that made me so happy, but you turned. You were right, I am naive. I was blind to your dark cloud. Now that dark cloud is casted onto me. I have a hate for you that is blazing through me. Can you feel it radiating off of me? Every sorry turns into “Fuck you.” When will you learn that you were wrong? When will you understand that I don’t want anything to do with you, but I love you. I love you so much. Your touch, your gaze, my body in your hands. I love how you hold me at night. So secure and guarded. I feel safe. I felt safe. Am I safe? I love what you do for me, but you’ll end up throwing all you’ve done for me in my face. Maybe I don’t love you.  Maybe I never loved you. Maybe the idea of you is what I love. The idea of a perfect you who’s calm, and caring, and treats me like a porcelain doll. I turned my back against the world to be your everything. I was every thing you asked me to be. Was that too easy. Did I give in too fast?

How do you not see all the pain I’m feeling? Crying myself to sleep every night, drugs to become numb. You’re drunk, you’re yelling. The tears can’t comfort me in this state. How do you not see me dying? How do you not see that all of me has been given to you and you keep puncturing a healing wound? I love you so much to the point I’d die for you, but I can’t do that if you’re the one killing me. You told me to be stronger. I can’t. I want to be, but I’m physically not capable of being any stronger. I’m a damaged good. You may return me if you’d like. I’m scared now. I’m scared of whatever damage you’re capable of doing to me. You and I both know you’re more than cable of causing hell. You already have.

I have to go now. I’ll be away for a while. Is it crazy to love you while I’m gone after all you’ve done? I don’t want to let you go, but I’ve realized I’ve grown a dependency for you and I have to admit that and I don’t want to. Is that why you’re angry with me? Don’t be angry with me anymore. Don’t hit me anymore. Don’t yell at me anymore. I’ll be on my way now. You can be happy because I’m terrible to you. I’m not sure what I’ve done, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I tried, but it wasn’t enough to keep you calm.

I Love You.

Just Remember He Made You Cry.

Memories. Sadly that’s all you’ll ever be.

I ran across old photos of you on my computer. I’m not sure why they’re there or why I’ve held onto them. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve stopped dating. Well, in your case, “hanging out,” and I just can’t get over you. I want to call you every single day just to see how you’re doing. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to yell. I don’t want to bicker about nothing. I genuinely want to see how you’re doing. Believe it or not, I actually care. I know the last time we spoke I wasn’t too nice, but you know and I know, you deserved it.

I don’t want to bring up the past. It’s just you and I in this moment right here. I’m flushing my mind of the bad and wiping our slate clean. If you asked to start over, I would. I would be your everything. You would be mine. You already are. How can one person be so happy, yet so unhappy with someone? I thought what we had was solid. This strong bond that was unbreakable. I was sadly mistaken. Fuck. I’m crying again. How do I keep getting this way when you’re not even here to make me feel like this? You’re so good at it. You always were. Fuck. I’m bringing up the past again. There’s no escaping it.

I’ve tried to deny it for the longest time and I do believe it’s time to face the music. I loved you. I still love you. I never wanted to admit it, but it’s true. Am I madly in love with you? No. I do, however, love your soul and your touch, and your smile, and your smell. I miss your hair, the way you looked into my eyes, how you would pull me in to kiss me on the cheek, how much you never cared about the influence of outsiders, your smoldering eyes when you wanted me, your sex. I want you to touch me again. I want you to hold me again and tell me it was only a nightmare. That everything we went through was unreal. I want you to tell me we’re okay and that you’re happy and that I’m happy.

I’m fucking delirious.

I don’t believe I’ll ever delete those photos. When I want to see your face they’re all I have. When I want to remember the good times instead of all my unhappy moments, they’re all I have. For a while, you were all I had.

To My Readers.

I am sorry I have been gone for so long. I was too deep in my mind and I lost track of myself. A lot has happened since the last time we have spoken and I am blessed to say that I might be on a new Earth. One where I have found a friend.

I am extremely thankful for my new found friend. She is the peeking light that shines through to my dark soul. Though I am not fully recovered, she understands. I know it’s hard and I am being patient. Take all the time you need to love me. No one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be hard. It shouldn’t be, but with me, it’s more complicated. I am a whirlwind with scars trailing right behind me. It’s my enemy that together, I hope we can conquer. The laughs and the adventure will make up for all the baggage I am bringing. I truly apologize.

I’ve missed this. Writing is breathing. I breathe in and my thoughts form a single file line, like school children. I breathe out and they prance onto the page never falling out of place. When I try to communicate verbally, everything jumbles around and I become so insecure. Insecurities: my other enemy, but you already know that and so that does my new friend. It’s almost conquered.

I thank you for staying with me while I was away and I can’t wait to get back into my writing groove. This read goes out to all of my viewers. Thank you for your time, your dedication, and your helpfulness. You truly are one of my friends. Friends of my new Earth. I am not sure why it has taken me so long to see it, but I’m happy I finally have.

Dear Anonymous,

I sit by candlelight and I admire my time. My mind has officially been put to rest. You are no longer my worry, my pain, or my passion. I finally found my peace. It feels nice.

I don’t regret you. I know you love me. We had a connection that was strong. It’s what we both know we wanted in the future, but the present is where we stand. Tonight, we are young. We want to live…. you want to live.

I find my daydreams are more about myself rather than you. I can handle and have accepted us now. I don’t really have much to say. There is nothing else to say. The words and emotions have left from my lips.

Thank You.

The Humor of it All.

So you’re interested in me?  In what?  What about me has your eyes so drawn, so glued on to my palette?

You’re not interested in me, you’re interested in the idea of me.  The idea of me being eye candy on your arms.  The idea of getting such a wonderful girl.  I’m a sex symbol to you. I’m what you want to caress when you’re feeling lonely at night. I’m an object to hold when there’s no one else.

Do you want me? Talk to me. Treat me like I’m a porcelain doll. Fragile and beautiful, gentle to touch. Care for me with every move that you make… Every. Single. Step. Be cautious, then make me come alive. I want to dance in the world and be free. I want a driver. Be my driver? Take me to a place that I have never been. Take hold and grasp me tight, don’t let go, I’m still your doll.

I break, I break easy. I’ve been broken and I’m still missing a piece.  You would never know because you’re just stuck on the surface. Open me up, your beautiful doll. Take me out of the package. I promise, you’ll want your money back.

A four letter word called H-A-T-E

I HATE YOU!

How is it that you’re living with this? How is it that you’re willing to fade into the background.  Your choice was Stupid.  You never know what you want, so why are you so sure now?

I’m a mess.  I’m all over the place.  I can’t sit still.  Or maybe I’m too still.  It’s my mind that’s doing all the work.  Let it go, move on. NO! I don’t want to. I want you. I want you so badly and you don’t want me.  I’m invisible to your life, but you’re so apparent in mine.

Pretty brown eyes.  Beautiful beautiful brown eyes. I miss them.  I still feel them gazing into my soul secretly ripping my heart out, and me being oblivious to the matter.  I should’ve let you go from the start.  But I was “sure” of you.  You were my orange. But now, you’re nothing.

Everything I get, I deserve.  You, being the only exception.  I didn’t deserve you.  You’re so perfect and i’m just a girl. I’ve cried everyday. Every, single, day. I think it’s time to stop crying. My tears do nothing for me and they won’t bring you back. The only way to get over it, is to get over it.

Whispering Echoes

The wind in my hair.  The breeze on my skin. The roar of the ocean, smashing against the shore.  Such faint sounds from the distance, but so loud.  So many distractions to get you off my mind.  So many distractions that don’t work.  You’re taking over my body without saying a word.

It’s time to face the music.  I Love You……. no, i don’t.  But I do. You want nothing to do with me and I can’t accept that. I will, but I don’t want to.

I miss your touch.  You holding me in your arms, wrapping your body against mine. Body heat to body heat.  We’d lie there for hours.  Saying nothing at all. I miss those nothings.  Will they ever turn into something again?  Maybe not. 

I’ll leave you alone.  I know that’s what you want to be happy. You want your time, your space. My support isn’t needed.  It never was.  I’m happy you’re finding yourself.  I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’ll keep listening to my whispers while you search.  Maybe they’ll be loud enough to keep my mind busy. Or maybe they’ll continue being the faint sounds I’m so desperate to hear.

I wont wait for forever, but I will wait for eventually.

Every breath, i breathe your name. 

Every step, i’m walking in a pool of your memories.

Every thought, is a thought about you.

I cant’ escape you.  I long to escape you, but I can’t. Water trickles from my eyes every time the slightest image of you appears in my head.  Do you miss me as much as I miss you?  We haven’t truly spoken in days.  Goodbyes and goodnights here and there.  Nothing more. 

The morning greeted me with your new found distance.  The night greets me with sorrow. Hopefully the next morning wont be as bitter. Maybe I’ll have a sweet reality. A whole new view.  Maybe then I’ll understand, but I’ll be waiting.  I’m “sure” of it.

Maybe it was you.

You know when your life, or what feels like your life, is going to come to a screeching halt when you and that person of interest stop talking. Your world is over. It’s funny how attached to people we may become. They take over us and consume our everyday lives, but we let them. That feeling of holding onto something that feels so pure makes us want them more and more. Something we believe will last forever……………

I made the mistake. I made sure everything was okay with us the night before. Why did I do that? I had to know. I stayed up for a while, awaiting his reply. No response. So I fell asleep and dreamt of a woman. That woman had beauty far to astonishing to be of this life. Only to later notice that woman represented him. I was dreaming of him this whole time.

I woke up, prayed, and lied with my dog for a little while. Still nothing. Paranoid, I went to the message to make sure it was sent. It was.

……The dots appeared… He was replying. My mind wasn’t ready for what was about to come next. Of course, like most, I expected the worst. But I wasn’t far off. Harsh words that no woman is glad to hear. A swarm of emotions ran in and out of my head. I am not a robot, I have feelings! I know the feeling of pain when hurt. So why do you hurt me? Do I truly deserve that.? Day upon day I deal with nonsense from your beautiful lips, and yet my ears are not enough. Day upon day I put my trust in you, and yet my broken wall wasn’t enough. I let you have me, but my body wasn’t enough. Erased, I shall make you. Every trace of you.

And now you’re gone. You are not needed in my life, there’s just a strong want. My heart was yours for the taking. Even then, my heart would not have been enough.