I’m Still Fighting for Peace.
How do I say enough to the one I love? How do I tell them that they’re hurting me? How do I tell them that the bruises are too hard to hide? What a beautiful thing turned to dust because of the pain endured over these past months.
How do I know when I’ve had enough? Is it when I feel my head hitting the wall or when I hide the bruises on my wrists, but my shirt doesn’t have long enough sleeves? Or is it when my friends try to hug me and I have to tell them to be careful because my body is in agony? As a victim of abuse I’ve lost all sense of life. I’m a new person, a person I never wanted to become. It’s as if every bit of life has been sucked from my soul, chewed up, then spit back into me. The heart never returning to its owner.
It hurts knowing I survived the abuse. It’s the aftermath that kills me the most. Day after day I blame myself for someone else’s anger. What did I do for someone to be so mad at me that they needed to hurt me? What did I do to the one I love and who’s supposed to love me so dearly to make them feel that words weren’t enough? I don’t believe I understand love anymore.
I thought you were it. The one that made me so happy, but you turned. You were right, I am naive. I was blind to your dark cloud. Now that dark cloud is casted onto me. I have a hate for you that is blazing through me. Can you feel it radiating off of me? Every sorry turns into “Fuck you.” When will you learn that you were wrong? When will you understand that I don’t want anything to do with you, but I love you. I love you so much. Your touch, your gaze, my body in your hands. I love how you hold me at night. So secure and guarded. I feel safe. I felt safe. Am I safe? I love what you do for me, but you’ll end up throwing all you’ve done for me in my face. Maybe I don’t love you. Maybe I never loved you. Maybe the idea of you is what I love. The idea of a perfect you who’s calm, and caring, and treats me like a porcelain doll. I turned my back against the world to be your everything. I was every thing you asked me to be. Was that too easy. Did I give in too fast?
How do you not see all the pain I’m feeling? Crying myself to sleep every night, drugs to become numb. You’re drunk, you’re yelling. The tears can’t comfort me in this state. How do you not see me dying? How do you not see that all of me has been given to you and you keep puncturing a healing wound? I love you so much to the point I’d die for you, but I can’t do that if you’re the one killing me. You told me to be stronger. I can’t. I want to be, but I’m physically not capable of being any stronger. I’m a damaged good. You may return me if you’d like. I’m scared now. I’m scared of whatever damage you’re capable of doing to me. You and I both know you’re more than cable of causing hell. You already have.
I have to go now. I’ll be away for a while. Is it crazy to love you while I’m gone after all you’ve done? I don’t want to let you go, but I’ve realized I’ve grown a dependency for you and I have to admit that and I don’t want to. Is that why you’re angry with me? Don’t be angry with me anymore. Don’t hit me anymore. Don’t yell at me anymore. I’ll be on my way now. You can be happy because I’m terrible to you. I’m not sure what I’ve done, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I tried, but it wasn’t enough to keep you calm.
I Love You.
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