Just Remember He Made You Cry.

Memories. Sadly that’s all you’ll ever be.

I ran across old photos of you on my computer. I’m not sure why they’re there or why I’ve held onto them. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve stopped dating. Well, in your case, “hanging out,” and I just can’t get over you. I want to call you every single day just to see how you’re doing. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to yell. I don’t want to bicker about nothing. I genuinely want to see how you’re doing. Believe it or not, I actually care. I know the last time we spoke I wasn’t too nice, but you know and I know, you deserved it.

I don’t want to bring up the past. It’s just you and I in this moment right here. I’m flushing my mind of the bad and wiping our slate clean. If you asked to start over, I would. I would be your everything. You would be mine. You already are. How can one person be so happy, yet so unhappy with someone? I thought what we had was solid. This strong bond that was unbreakable. I was sadly mistaken. Fuck. I’m crying again. How do I keep getting this way when you’re not even here to make me feel like this? You’re so good at it. You always were. Fuck. I’m bringing up the past again. There’s no escaping it.

I’ve tried to deny it for the longest time and I do believe it’s time to face the music. I loved you. I still love you. I never wanted to admit it, but it’s true. Am I madly in love with you? No. I do, however, love your soul and your touch, and your smile, and your smell. I miss your hair, the way you looked into my eyes, how you would pull me in to kiss me on the cheek, how much you never cared about the influence of outsiders, your smoldering eyes when you wanted me, your sex. I want you to touch me again. I want you to hold me again and tell me it was only a nightmare. That everything we went through was unreal. I want you to tell me we’re okay and that you’re happy and that I’m happy.

I’m fucking delirious.

I don’t believe I’ll ever delete those photos. When I want to see your face they’re all I have. When I want to remember the good times instead of all my unhappy moments, they’re all I have. For a while, you were all I had.

Wild Child.

Tonight, I lost myself. I lost myself in a man. A beautiful man. Someone who I take comfort in and find oh so charming. I gave him every part of me. Everything that he desires, everything he wants, everything he needs. He had me at his grasp and I didn’t want to let go. Our bodies colliding into each other, producing a symphony. Animals in a jungle, rats in a cage. Extreme high’s to delicate lows. 

He didn’t lose himself in me. He already did, but he’s scared. A whirlwind of emotions has been fluctuating his brain as of late and he’s petrified. I’m petrified, but I’ll be here by your side. As long as you want me to. When you’re ready to let me go, I’ll go and I won’t look back. We were here to be each other’s weakness. We cave in to one another when we don’t want to. I don’t believe we are meant to be anything more. Nothing should be confusing and with us and all of it is. I hate you, you like me, I like you, you don’t like me, I want you, you want me, but you don’t want me, I don’t want you because you don’t want me. We want each other. 

I was doing well. You walked up to me being the lovely gentleman you are and shook up my world a little. It’s wild, but I like it. The bliss of your kiss. Getting lost in your aroma. Taking me to a galaxy that doesn’t exist. Your every move leaves my body whimpering. It’s amazing. You’re amazing. We’re amazing and you know it. Everyone knows it. Our chemistry is forbidden, it’s too strong.

I don’t love you. I never will. I just want to be happy and for the moment you make me happy. I like it. I enjoy it. I make you happy as well, I already know. You don’t have to say a word. Never say a word. Just shut up and kiss me, touch me, feel me. All of me and enjoy it.

Father. Can you hear me now?

It’s now been decided that I am supposed to be like this.  This is how my life was meant to pan out.  The bliss and the rock,the good and the bad.  It shall pay out in the end. At least that’s what they keep telling me.  So what will happen to me?  Will I be successful or end up similar to the rest of my family, living paycheck to paycheck. That’s not who I want to be or where I want to be.  I want to be my own individual and make a way for myself with no permanent worries, struggles, or heartache.  So where do I begin?  I don’t. I just go for it. There’s no beginning, middle, or end.  There’s just a lifestyle.  A lifestyle that I am ready to pursue.  No questions asked. How will I get there?  My dedication, my loyalty.  There’s been no motivation through my years.  I am my own motivation.  Who will walk by me?  God.  He’s the only one in the walk with me.  Others are welcome to join, they just choose not to.  But no man shall keep the strength of this goal like my Lord will.

The breakdown: It’s taken me a while to finally accept myself for who I am now.  I know who I will become will be even greater.  The question of “who am I?,” may never be answered, but, for now, my accomplishments will adhere as the answer.  It’s all that can really happen.  My name… it’s unimportant but it will be sought after.  That I promise.  For a long while i underestimated myself and put limits where they weren’t needed.  That is no more.  I’ve come to far.  It’s time.  Time to rise up out of the dark and see a light brighter than you or I can withstand.

Hello world. I am here.

Keep your head up, my love.

I must know… are the most successful people in this world lonely? Is there anyone else that could possibly understand what I’m feeling?  Or is it me just being me?  Has my world resulted to the dramatics or am I just desperate for someone to comprehend my deepest emotions? It seems as though it has just become my dog, my computer, and me.  No one else dedicates their time to stay around. 

I long for a friend.  Someone to relate to and commit myself and time to.  Just a friend.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Someone I can become one with and someone who accepts me without judgement.  I’ve been judged and destroyed my whole life.  I can say that I am truly damaged.  The issues are far deeper than even I can see.  They assumed therapy would help, but it does me no good speaking to someone who is paid to listen.  I want someone to listen because they want to, not because they’re granted great reward.  No one deserves that.

I can’t be the only one who cries every night for a reason that they’re unsure of.  Maybe it’s because I truly miss him, or maybe because I’m without family, or maybe its the cause of a friendless life.  Either way I’m in dire need of someone.  Someone rescue me, please.  I’ve never felt this dark before.  Take me away and tell me it’ll all be okay.  Hold me in your arms until I sleep and when I wake, please still be there.  I promise the heartache will fade, but don’t lose grip until that hour comes. 

I’ll be there for you as well.  I’ll be your everything and love you the way no friend has ever loved before. I’ll make you my family and keep your best interests in mind.  I’ll be your refuge and watch after you while you sleep.  I’ll take my time with you and give you as long as you need for anything and everything. Life is hard and I am understanding of that.

Just come to me, dear friend wherever you may be.  I’m ready to grab your hand. 

… still going.

It’s time.

I want you to be fully aware that I’m thinking about you.  So how about a friendly reminder?  I’ve kept you waiting long enough and I know for a fact that you’re waiting. I’m not sure if you are here or if you are back home, but I do intend on meeting up with you, just not when you want me to.  I have a life to live and I’ve lived it while you were away and I will continue to do so.  It’s been rough, but I’ve gotten through everything.

The text I will send you will consist of only one word, “Hello.”  Whether you reply or not, you will be anxious and I’d love to see you squirm.  Don’t consider this revenge.  Consider this a beautiful start to your karma.

Rule #2: Expect the unexpected.

to be continued…

Retail therapy; easy, painless, expensive. It’s exactly what my self medicated doctor prescribed.  A day to myself too clear the air before the hectic madness, i call my typical week, begins. How dare you ruin my relaxation.

It’s been days, weeks, months since we’ve spoken. We had nothing to say to each other then, and we have nothing to say to each other now. Why did you call?  What could you possibly want from me? Did you not torture me enough before you left or do you seek more blood?  Blood is what you’ll get when crossing my path.  I bleed your name, my precious sin.

Now again you’re in my head.  Saying hello and screaming your own name. Little do you know you’re trapped.  The ball is in my hands now and I don’t intend on passing it. I’ll play just like before, but this time I make the rules.

Rule #1: Find your own way.  There will be no more shortcuts.

City of Emptiness

I yearn for a life.  A life with mine.  A happiness to take the pain away.  Instead I’m trapped with nothing.  Bittersweet tragedy that strips me from myself.  I want a life that’s grand, healthy, and challenging.  Nothing healthy has come of this adventure.  Nothing will ever come of this.

Day after day; nothing.  Night after night; nothing. Where’s my life at?  Where’s the person that will make me happy and the person I want to make happy? I’m tired of living alone.  My tired eyes are starting to show and my empty soul is starting to take over.  Darker and darker I grow, weaker and weaker I become.

You believe in your heart that you can trust in someone. You believe that someone is there to help guide you. Sadly you’re mistaken.  I was mistaken. It’s hard for me to trust and to love and I was let down. Over and over again I’m constantly let down. I’ve never felt so alone.  Maybe it’s time for me to go home.  I never quit, but I’m killing myself in the meantime.

City of Lost Angels. This may be our final hour.

I love you.

The simplest of times.

What a beautiful flame.  Your jittery, bouncy enigma twinkling as the wind blows through you. You’re my happiness.  It left me and went to you.  My flame burned out whilst yours remains alive.

How does it feel.  To know that you and your candle are together as one and dependent on each other.  When one dies so does the other.  No one is more strong or more powerful.  Together you are equal.

I can sit by you the whole time if you would like.  Ravish in your atmosphere and glare at the gleaming light.  Your love for each other is perfect.  I want what you have. I envy you sweet little candle flame I hope that is okay.  But how could I not? You seem so happy.

I know I must wait., 

“It’ll come!,” they say.

“So come to me, just in a dream. Come on and rescue me.”

                                                                         -Muse

Walls of Jericho

Today I woke up happy. Everyday, for the past 3 days I have woken up happy.  My friends can tell and they love it. I love it. 

You contacted me a week ago.  My heart dropped and I couldn’t catch my breath. It had been taken by your sudden “Hello.” Of course I replied, but with nothing more than a “Hi.” You fed me with more information while I kept my answers short. I didn’t know what you wanted. I was scared.

Finally my question was answered. You had fallen in Love with me as well.  The words i was dying to know if true or not.  The words I so badly wanted to hear.  Thank you for falling in love with me. I love you too. Let this love be strong and unbreakable, made of steel and nothing else.  No cracks, no damages, just strength. There’s no greater feeling in the world than the one I receive knowing that you care for me. By the touch of your lips on my forehead, something you’ve always avoided, I know now you’ll protect me. It’s refreshing.  You’re refreshing. 

Don’t be so sure of us. I know your patterns, i know your mind.  It’s diluted with thoughts and conquered by apprehensions. I’ll just keep going with it but I’ll never let my guard down. It’s high, it’s solid, and it’s not going anywhere. At least for now. Keep playing those trumpets.  Tell your love to yell as loud as it wants. Eventually, after careful deliberation, it’ll all crumble down.  With no hesitation. 

I love you beautiful. 

It’s okay not to be okay.

 

I’m crying my eyes out.  You’re not here to wipe them away and you don’t want to be.  I’m sorry if I did anything.  I really am.  I want you back.  I wish you would at least talk to me.  We haven’t spoken in weeks.  Do you even want to hear my voice? I want to hear yours.

 

I’m hurting so bad and there’s no one that understands.  I’m alone and I’m by myself.  Come back and save me please.  I’ve been in the dark for so long and I want to see the light again.  You showed me that light.  I never knew I could be so happy. I’ll do anything to have you back.  It’s so hard to pretend every single day. I’m growing weak. I’m dying.

No one knows. They love my smile.  I try to keep them happy.  What about me? Can’t I be happy too? I want joy. I want to know what that feels like. I stay so strong. For what? Is it for me?  I hope this all fades away. Please God. Save me.