I’m Still Fighting for Peace.

How do I say enough to the one I love? How do I tell them that they’re hurting me? How do I tell them that the bruises are too hard to hide? What a beautiful thing turned to dust because of the pain endured over these past months.

How do I know when I’ve had enough? Is it when I feel my head hitting the wall or when I hide the bruises on my wrists, but my shirt doesn’t have long enough sleeves? Or is it when my friends try to hug me and I have to tell them to be careful because my body is in agony? As a victim of abuse I’ve lost all sense of life. I’m a new person, a person I never wanted to become. It’s as if every bit of life has been sucked from my soul, chewed up, then spit back into me. The heart never returning to its owner.

It hurts knowing I survived the abuse. It’s the aftermath that kills me the most. Day after day I blame myself for someone else’s anger. What did I do for someone to be so mad at me that they needed to hurt me? What did I do to the one I love and who’s supposed to love me so dearly to make them feel that words weren’t enough? I don’t believe I understand love anymore.

I thought you were it. The one that made me so happy, but you turned. You were right, I am naive. I was blind to your dark cloud. Now that dark cloud is casted onto me. I have a hate for you that is blazing through me. Can you feel it radiating off of me? Every sorry turns into “Fuck you.” When will you learn that you were wrong? When will you understand that I don’t want anything to do with you, but I love you. I love you so much. Your touch, your gaze, my body in your hands. I love how you hold me at night. So secure and guarded. I feel safe. I felt safe. Am I safe? I love what you do for me, but you’ll end up throwing all you’ve done for me in my face. Maybe I don’t love you.  Maybe I never loved you. Maybe the idea of you is what I love. The idea of a perfect you who’s calm, and caring, and treats me like a porcelain doll. I turned my back against the world to be your everything. I was every thing you asked me to be. Was that too easy. Did I give in too fast?

How do you not see all the pain I’m feeling? Crying myself to sleep every night, drugs to become numb. You’re drunk, you’re yelling. The tears can’t comfort me in this state. How do you not see me dying? How do you not see that all of me has been given to you and you keep puncturing a healing wound? I love you so much to the point I’d die for you, but I can’t do that if you’re the one killing me. You told me to be stronger. I can’t. I want to be, but I’m physically not capable of being any stronger. I’m a damaged good. You may return me if you’d like. I’m scared now. I’m scared of whatever damage you’re capable of doing to me. You and I both know you’re more than cable of causing hell. You already have.

I have to go now. I’ll be away for a while. Is it crazy to love you while I’m gone after all you’ve done? I don’t want to let you go, but I’ve realized I’ve grown a dependency for you and I have to admit that and I don’t want to. Is that why you’re angry with me? Don’t be angry with me anymore. Don’t hit me anymore. Don’t yell at me anymore. I’ll be on my way now. You can be happy because I’m terrible to you. I’m not sure what I’ve done, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I tried, but it wasn’t enough to keep you calm.

I Love You.

Just Remember He Made You Cry.

Memories. Sadly that’s all you’ll ever be.

I ran across old photos of you on my computer. I’m not sure why they’re there or why I’ve held onto them. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve stopped dating. Well, in your case, “hanging out,” and I just can’t get over you. I want to call you every single day just to see how you’re doing. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to yell. I don’t want to bicker about nothing. I genuinely want to see how you’re doing. Believe it or not, I actually care. I know the last time we spoke I wasn’t too nice, but you know and I know, you deserved it.

I don’t want to bring up the past. It’s just you and I in this moment right here. I’m flushing my mind of the bad and wiping our slate clean. If you asked to start over, I would. I would be your everything. You would be mine. You already are. How can one person be so happy, yet so unhappy with someone? I thought what we had was solid. This strong bond that was unbreakable. I was sadly mistaken. Fuck. I’m crying again. How do I keep getting this way when you’re not even here to make me feel like this? You’re so good at it. You always were. Fuck. I’m bringing up the past again. There’s no escaping it.

I’ve tried to deny it for the longest time and I do believe it’s time to face the music. I loved you. I still love you. I never wanted to admit it, but it’s true. Am I madly in love with you? No. I do, however, love your soul and your touch, and your smile, and your smell. I miss your hair, the way you looked into my eyes, how you would pull me in to kiss me on the cheek, how much you never cared about the influence of outsiders, your smoldering eyes when you wanted me, your sex. I want you to touch me again. I want you to hold me again and tell me it was only a nightmare. That everything we went through was unreal. I want you to tell me we’re okay and that you’re happy and that I’m happy.

I’m fucking delirious.

I don’t believe I’ll ever delete those photos. When I want to see your face they’re all I have. When I want to remember the good times instead of all my unhappy moments, they’re all I have. For a while, you were all I had.

Thought it over and decided, tonight, is the night.

Something I’ve worked so hard for has finally come to me and I couldn’t be happier. This is what happy feels like. Theres a river flowing from my eyes right now. I DID IT. I’m finally becoming everything I wanted to be and more. All of the hard work I’ve put in from the past couple of weeks is finally paying off. I told myself I would never feel the pain I was feeling again and I won’t. I still make that vow to myself.

For years I’ve told everyone that I will become X,Y, and Z without knowing how hard it would be to get there. This has been the worst struggle of my life and I will no longer be struggling. The ladder I will climb will be tall, but I will make it to the top. I can only go up from here. I’m ecstatic to see where this ladder takes me and who I will meet along the way. No matter what I will remain positive and I won’t look down. I will keep climbing higher and higher. No one will be able to stop me. NO ONE.

Today is my day, Tonight is my night. No more tears. You’re too good for that.

The Drought.

In life I want happiness.

I want to feel a sensation where I no longer have to deal with such great stresses from my everyday life. I want to be able to smile at any given moment because I’ll know for a fact that, in the end, everything will be okay. For now, I’m stuck unknowing. I can’t smile whenever I want to because I’m not truly happy. I know my time will come, but when? Why is it taking so long? I am young. Why is there so much on my mind at every moment?

Some may say I grew up too fast, and they’re right. I should’ve waited. Slowed my pace to make sure this is truly what I wanted. Now I don’t want it. This life, you can have it all back. I want a do-over. They say live your life with no regrets. Well, sometimes there are regrets. There are moments where you’re just not happy with some of the choices you’ve made and the only way to get over it is to deal with it. To be honest, I’m tired of “dealing with it.” Someone take me back to a time where I was young and carefree. A time where all I needed to care about was what outfit I was going to wear that day.  A time where I just needed to wake up, play, then fall asleep at the end of the day. Then I would grow up. I would grow up knowing the truth and I would have been smarter. Everything would fall into place better and I wouldn’t be where I am now or feel how I do now.

This week I’ve focused my life on no longer just “dealing with it.” I’m Done! For good and forever. I will be happy and it will come soon. That is a promise I’m making to myself and to the world. My emotional drought will soon be over.

Good Morning World.

This morning I am awake.

My goals will be accomplished, my faith will be restored, my head is held high. I just yearn for that tiny bit of motivation that will help with this day. There is none, nowhere in sight. The hardest part is actually getting up. That’s always been a big struggle of mine.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Time to get up. Have a great day readers.

Father. Can you hear me now?

It’s now been decided that I am supposed to be like this.  This is how my life was meant to pan out.  The bliss and the rock,the good and the bad.  It shall pay out in the end. At least that’s what they keep telling me.  So what will happen to me?  Will I be successful or end up similar to the rest of my family, living paycheck to paycheck. That’s not who I want to be or where I want to be.  I want to be my own individual and make a way for myself with no permanent worries, struggles, or heartache.  So where do I begin?  I don’t. I just go for it. There’s no beginning, middle, or end.  There’s just a lifestyle.  A lifestyle that I am ready to pursue.  No questions asked. How will I get there?  My dedication, my loyalty.  There’s been no motivation through my years.  I am my own motivation.  Who will walk by me?  God.  He’s the only one in the walk with me.  Others are welcome to join, they just choose not to.  But no man shall keep the strength of this goal like my Lord will.

The breakdown: It’s taken me a while to finally accept myself for who I am now.  I know who I will become will be even greater.  The question of “who am I?,” may never be answered, but, for now, my accomplishments will adhere as the answer.  It’s all that can really happen.  My name… it’s unimportant but it will be sought after.  That I promise.  For a long while i underestimated myself and put limits where they weren’t needed.  That is no more.  I’ve come to far.  It’s time.  Time to rise up out of the dark and see a light brighter than you or I can withstand.

Hello world. I am here.

Keep your head up, my love.

I must know… are the most successful people in this world lonely? Is there anyone else that could possibly understand what I’m feeling?  Or is it me just being me?  Has my world resulted to the dramatics or am I just desperate for someone to comprehend my deepest emotions? It seems as though it has just become my dog, my computer, and me.  No one else dedicates their time to stay around. 

I long for a friend.  Someone to relate to and commit myself and time to.  Just a friend.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Someone I can become one with and someone who accepts me without judgement.  I’ve been judged and destroyed my whole life.  I can say that I am truly damaged.  The issues are far deeper than even I can see.  They assumed therapy would help, but it does me no good speaking to someone who is paid to listen.  I want someone to listen because they want to, not because they’re granted great reward.  No one deserves that.

I can’t be the only one who cries every night for a reason that they’re unsure of.  Maybe it’s because I truly miss him, or maybe because I’m without family, or maybe its the cause of a friendless life.  Either way I’m in dire need of someone.  Someone rescue me, please.  I’ve never felt this dark before.  Take me away and tell me it’ll all be okay.  Hold me in your arms until I sleep and when I wake, please still be there.  I promise the heartache will fade, but don’t lose grip until that hour comes. 

I’ll be there for you as well.  I’ll be your everything and love you the way no friend has ever loved before. I’ll make you my family and keep your best interests in mind.  I’ll be your refuge and watch after you while you sleep.  I’ll take my time with you and give you as long as you need for anything and everything. Life is hard and I am understanding of that.

Just come to me, dear friend wherever you may be.  I’m ready to grab your hand. 

… still going.

It’s time.

I want you to be fully aware that I’m thinking about you.  So how about a friendly reminder?  I’ve kept you waiting long enough and I know for a fact that you’re waiting. I’m not sure if you are here or if you are back home, but I do intend on meeting up with you, just not when you want me to.  I have a life to live and I’ve lived it while you were away and I will continue to do so.  It’s been rough, but I’ve gotten through everything.

The text I will send you will consist of only one word, “Hello.”  Whether you reply or not, you will be anxious and I’d love to see you squirm.  Don’t consider this revenge.  Consider this a beautiful start to your karma.

Rule #2: Expect the unexpected.

to be continued…

Retail therapy; easy, painless, expensive. It’s exactly what my self medicated doctor prescribed.  A day to myself too clear the air before the hectic madness, i call my typical week, begins. How dare you ruin my relaxation.

It’s been days, weeks, months since we’ve spoken. We had nothing to say to each other then, and we have nothing to say to each other now. Why did you call?  What could you possibly want from me? Did you not torture me enough before you left or do you seek more blood?  Blood is what you’ll get when crossing my path.  I bleed your name, my precious sin.

Now again you’re in my head.  Saying hello and screaming your own name. Little do you know you’re trapped.  The ball is in my hands now and I don’t intend on passing it. I’ll play just like before, but this time I make the rules.

Rule #1: Find your own way.  There will be no more shortcuts.

The simplest of times.

What a beautiful flame.  Your jittery, bouncy enigma twinkling as the wind blows through you. You’re my happiness.  It left me and went to you.  My flame burned out whilst yours remains alive.

How does it feel.  To know that you and your candle are together as one and dependent on each other.  When one dies so does the other.  No one is more strong or more powerful.  Together you are equal.

I can sit by you the whole time if you would like.  Ravish in your atmosphere and glare at the gleaming light.  Your love for each other is perfect.  I want what you have. I envy you sweet little candle flame I hope that is okay.  But how could I not? You seem so happy.

I know I must wait., 

“It’ll come!,” they say.

“So come to me, just in a dream. Come on and rescue me.”

                                                                         -Muse