Thought it over and decided, tonight, is the night.

Something I’ve worked so hard for has finally come to me and I couldn’t be happier. This is what happy feels like. Theres a river flowing from my eyes right now. I DID IT. I’m finally becoming everything I wanted to be and more. All of the hard work I’ve put in from the past couple of weeks is finally paying off. I told myself I would never feel the pain I was feeling again and I won’t. I still make that vow to myself.

For years I’ve told everyone that I will become X,Y, and Z without knowing how hard it would be to get there. This has been the worst struggle of my life and I will no longer be struggling. The ladder I will climb will be tall, but I will make it to the top. I can only go up from here. I’m ecstatic to see where this ladder takes me and who I will meet along the way. No matter what I will remain positive and I won’t look down. I will keep climbing higher and higher. No one will be able to stop me. NO ONE.

Today is my day, Tonight is my night. No more tears. You’re too good for that.

The Drought.

In life I want happiness.

I want to feel a sensation where I no longer have to deal with such great stresses from my everyday life. I want to be able to smile at any given moment because I’ll know for a fact that, in the end, everything will be okay. For now, I’m stuck unknowing. I can’t smile whenever I want to because I’m not truly happy. I know my time will come, but when? Why is it taking so long? I am young. Why is there so much on my mind at every moment?

Some may say I grew up too fast, and they’re right. I should’ve waited. Slowed my pace to make sure this is truly what I wanted. Now I don’t want it. This life, you can have it all back. I want a do-over. They say live your life with no regrets. Well, sometimes there are regrets. There are moments where you’re just not happy with some of the choices you’ve made and the only way to get over it is to deal with it. To be honest, I’m tired of “dealing with it.” Someone take me back to a time where I was young and carefree. A time where all I needed to care about was what outfit I was going to wear that day.  A time where I just needed to wake up, play, then fall asleep at the end of the day. Then I would grow up. I would grow up knowing the truth and I would have been smarter. Everything would fall into place better and I wouldn’t be where I am now or feel how I do now.

This week I’ve focused my life on no longer just “dealing with it.” I’m Done! For good and forever. I will be happy and it will come soon. That is a promise I’m making to myself and to the world. My emotional drought will soon be over.

I don’t believe in fairytales.

Is there something I’ve missed or is it something you’re ignoring? Do we just act as though the past is the past or do we mention what we both have come to accept.? Maybe I am reading too far into it. There’s nothing that needs to be discussed.

Today you were my piece of paper.  I sacrificed that piece of paper during meditation time. I put that paper into the hands of our higher being. He shall decide our fate. I am aware that our fate will remain as a friendship. A shoulder to cry on, but not a shoulder to rest on. Can we honestly be happy? I’m not.

Perhaps you were always just a dream.  Perhaps you were always a wild figment of my imagination. It’s a dream I can no longer dream. I sleep to see your face, but there is nothing there. Come back to my dreams. Let the smoke appear and let your eyes be my daze. Take me away and sweep me off my feet. When I awake, be there next to me. Be by my side and hold me tight. I want to find myself trapped in your arms. A grasp so tight, I am taken to my death. Together we’ll die. Together and Happy.