I’m Still Fighting for Peace.

How do I say enough to the one I love? How do I tell them that they’re hurting me? How do I tell them that the bruises are too hard to hide? What a beautiful thing turned to dust because of the pain endured over these past months.

How do I know when I’ve had enough? Is it when I feel my head hitting the wall or when I hide the bruises on my wrists, but my shirt doesn’t have long enough sleeves? Or is it when my friends try to hug me and I have to tell them to be careful because my body is in agony? As a victim of abuse I’ve lost all sense of life. I’m a new person, a person I never wanted to become. It’s as if every bit of life has been sucked from my soul, chewed up, then spit back into me. The heart never returning to its owner.

It hurts knowing I survived the abuse. It’s the aftermath that kills me the most. Day after day I blame myself for someone else’s anger. What did I do for someone to be so mad at me that they needed to hurt me? What did I do to the one I love and who’s supposed to love me so dearly to make them feel that words weren’t enough? I don’t believe I understand love anymore.

I thought you were it. The one that made me so happy, but you turned. You were right, I am naive. I was blind to your dark cloud. Now that dark cloud is casted onto me. I have a hate for you that is blazing through me. Can you feel it radiating off of me? Every sorry turns into “Fuck you.” When will you learn that you were wrong? When will you understand that I don’t want anything to do with you, but I love you. I love you so much. Your touch, your gaze, my body in your hands. I love how you hold me at night. So secure and guarded. I feel safe. I felt safe. Am I safe? I love what you do for me, but you’ll end up throwing all you’ve done for me in my face. Maybe I don’t love you.  Maybe I never loved you. Maybe the idea of you is what I love. The idea of a perfect you who’s calm, and caring, and treats me like a porcelain doll. I turned my back against the world to be your everything. I was every thing you asked me to be. Was that too easy. Did I give in too fast?

How do you not see all the pain I’m feeling? Crying myself to sleep every night, drugs to become numb. You’re drunk, you’re yelling. The tears can’t comfort me in this state. How do you not see me dying? How do you not see that all of me has been given to you and you keep puncturing a healing wound? I love you so much to the point I’d die for you, but I can’t do that if you’re the one killing me. You told me to be stronger. I can’t. I want to be, but I’m physically not capable of being any stronger. I’m a damaged good. You may return me if you’d like. I’m scared now. I’m scared of whatever damage you’re capable of doing to me. You and I both know you’re more than cable of causing hell. You already have.

I have to go now. I’ll be away for a while. Is it crazy to love you while I’m gone after all you’ve done? I don’t want to let you go, but I’ve realized I’ve grown a dependency for you and I have to admit that and I don’t want to. Is that why you’re angry with me? Don’t be angry with me anymore. Don’t hit me anymore. Don’t yell at me anymore. I’ll be on my way now. You can be happy because I’m terrible to you. I’m not sure what I’ve done, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I tried, but it wasn’t enough to keep you calm.

I Love You.

Just Remember He Made You Cry.

Memories. Sadly that’s all you’ll ever be.

I ran across old photos of you on my computer. I’m not sure why they’re there or why I’ve held onto them. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve stopped dating. Well, in your case, “hanging out,” and I just can’t get over you. I want to call you every single day just to see how you’re doing. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to yell. I don’t want to bicker about nothing. I genuinely want to see how you’re doing. Believe it or not, I actually care. I know the last time we spoke I wasn’t too nice, but you know and I know, you deserved it.

I don’t want to bring up the past. It’s just you and I in this moment right here. I’m flushing my mind of the bad and wiping our slate clean. If you asked to start over, I would. I would be your everything. You would be mine. You already are. How can one person be so happy, yet so unhappy with someone? I thought what we had was solid. This strong bond that was unbreakable. I was sadly mistaken. Fuck. I’m crying again. How do I keep getting this way when you’re not even here to make me feel like this? You’re so good at it. You always were. Fuck. I’m bringing up the past again. There’s no escaping it.

I’ve tried to deny it for the longest time and I do believe it’s time to face the music. I loved you. I still love you. I never wanted to admit it, but it’s true. Am I madly in love with you? No. I do, however, love your soul and your touch, and your smile, and your smell. I miss your hair, the way you looked into my eyes, how you would pull me in to kiss me on the cheek, how much you never cared about the influence of outsiders, your smoldering eyes when you wanted me, your sex. I want you to touch me again. I want you to hold me again and tell me it was only a nightmare. That everything we went through was unreal. I want you to tell me we’re okay and that you’re happy and that I’m happy.

I’m fucking delirious.

I don’t believe I’ll ever delete those photos. When I want to see your face they’re all I have. When I want to remember the good times instead of all my unhappy moments, they’re all I have. For a while, you were all I had.

Thought it over and decided, tonight, is the night.

Something I’ve worked so hard for has finally come to me and I couldn’t be happier. This is what happy feels like. Theres a river flowing from my eyes right now. I DID IT. I’m finally becoming everything I wanted to be and more. All of the hard work I’ve put in from the past couple of weeks is finally paying off. I told myself I would never feel the pain I was feeling again and I won’t. I still make that vow to myself.

For years I’ve told everyone that I will become X,Y, and Z without knowing how hard it would be to get there. This has been the worst struggle of my life and I will no longer be struggling. The ladder I will climb will be tall, but I will make it to the top. I can only go up from here. I’m ecstatic to see where this ladder takes me and who I will meet along the way. No matter what I will remain positive and I won’t look down. I will keep climbing higher and higher. No one will be able to stop me. NO ONE.

Today is my day, Tonight is my night. No more tears. You’re too good for that.

The Drought.

In life I want happiness.

I want to feel a sensation where I no longer have to deal with such great stresses from my everyday life. I want to be able to smile at any given moment because I’ll know for a fact that, in the end, everything will be okay. For now, I’m stuck unknowing. I can’t smile whenever I want to because I’m not truly happy. I know my time will come, but when? Why is it taking so long? I am young. Why is there so much on my mind at every moment?

Some may say I grew up too fast, and they’re right. I should’ve waited. Slowed my pace to make sure this is truly what I wanted. Now I don’t want it. This life, you can have it all back. I want a do-over. They say live your life with no regrets. Well, sometimes there are regrets. There are moments where you’re just not happy with some of the choices you’ve made and the only way to get over it is to deal with it. To be honest, I’m tired of “dealing with it.” Someone take me back to a time where I was young and carefree. A time where all I needed to care about was what outfit I was going to wear that day.  A time where I just needed to wake up, play, then fall asleep at the end of the day. Then I would grow up. I would grow up knowing the truth and I would have been smarter. Everything would fall into place better and I wouldn’t be where I am now or feel how I do now.

This week I’ve focused my life on no longer just “dealing with it.” I’m Done! For good and forever. I will be happy and it will come soon. That is a promise I’m making to myself and to the world. My emotional drought will soon be over.

Good Morning World.

This morning I am awake.

My goals will be accomplished, my faith will be restored, my head is held high. I just yearn for that tiny bit of motivation that will help with this day. There is none, nowhere in sight. The hardest part is actually getting up. That’s always been a big struggle of mine.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Time to get up. Have a great day readers.

To My Readers.

I am sorry I have been gone for so long. I was too deep in my mind and I lost track of myself. A lot has happened since the last time we have spoken and I am blessed to say that I might be on a new Earth. One where I have found a friend.

I am extremely thankful for my new found friend. She is the peeking light that shines through to my dark soul. Though I am not fully recovered, she understands. I know it’s hard and I am being patient. Take all the time you need to love me. No one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be hard. It shouldn’t be, but with me, it’s more complicated. I am a whirlwind with scars trailing right behind me. It’s my enemy that together, I hope we can conquer. The laughs and the adventure will make up for all the baggage I am bringing. I truly apologize.

I’ve missed this. Writing is breathing. I breathe in and my thoughts form a single file line, like school children. I breathe out and they prance onto the page never falling out of place. When I try to communicate verbally, everything jumbles around and I become so insecure. Insecurities: my other enemy, but you already know that and so that does my new friend. It’s almost conquered.

I thank you for staying with me while I was away and I can’t wait to get back into my writing groove. This read goes out to all of my viewers. Thank you for your time, your dedication, and your helpfulness. You truly are one of my friends. Friends of my new Earth. I am not sure why it has taken me so long to see it, but I’m happy I finally have.

Wild Child.

Tonight, I lost myself. I lost myself in a man. A beautiful man. Someone who I take comfort in and find oh so charming. I gave him every part of me. Everything that he desires, everything he wants, everything he needs. He had me at his grasp and I didn’t want to let go. Our bodies colliding into each other, producing a symphony. Animals in a jungle, rats in a cage. Extreme high’s to delicate lows. 

He didn’t lose himself in me. He already did, but he’s scared. A whirlwind of emotions has been fluctuating his brain as of late and he’s petrified. I’m petrified, but I’ll be here by your side. As long as you want me to. When you’re ready to let me go, I’ll go and I won’t look back. We were here to be each other’s weakness. We cave in to one another when we don’t want to. I don’t believe we are meant to be anything more. Nothing should be confusing and with us and all of it is. I hate you, you like me, I like you, you don’t like me, I want you, you want me, but you don’t want me, I don’t want you because you don’t want me. We want each other. 

I was doing well. You walked up to me being the lovely gentleman you are and shook up my world a little. It’s wild, but I like it. The bliss of your kiss. Getting lost in your aroma. Taking me to a galaxy that doesn’t exist. Your every move leaves my body whimpering. It’s amazing. You’re amazing. We’re amazing and you know it. Everyone knows it. Our chemistry is forbidden, it’s too strong.

I don’t love you. I never will. I just want to be happy and for the moment you make me happy. I like it. I enjoy it. I make you happy as well, I already know. You don’t have to say a word. Never say a word. Just shut up and kiss me, touch me, feel me. All of me and enjoy it.