Just Remember He Made You Cry.

Memories. Sadly that’s all you’ll ever be.

I ran across old photos of you on my computer. I’m not sure why they’re there or why I’ve held onto them. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve stopped dating. Well, in your case, “hanging out,” and I just can’t get over you. I want to call you every single day just to see how you’re doing. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to yell. I don’t want to bicker about nothing. I genuinely want to see how you’re doing. Believe it or not, I actually care. I know the last time we spoke I wasn’t too nice, but you know and I know, you deserved it.

I don’t want to bring up the past. It’s just you and I in this moment right here. I’m flushing my mind of the bad and wiping our slate clean. If you asked to start over, I would. I would be your everything. You would be mine. You already are. How can one person be so happy, yet so unhappy with someone? I thought what we had was solid. This strong bond that was unbreakable. I was sadly mistaken. Fuck. I’m crying again. How do I keep getting this way when you’re not even here to make me feel like this? You’re so good at it. You always were. Fuck. I’m bringing up the past again. There’s no escaping it.

I’ve tried to deny it for the longest time and I do believe it’s time to face the music. I loved you. I still love you. I never wanted to admit it, but it’s true. Am I madly in love with you? No. I do, however, love your soul and your touch, and your smile, and your smell. I miss your hair, the way you looked into my eyes, how you would pull me in to kiss me on the cheek, how much you never cared about the influence of outsiders, your smoldering eyes when you wanted me, your sex. I want you to touch me again. I want you to hold me again and tell me it was only a nightmare. That everything we went through was unreal. I want you to tell me we’re okay and that you’re happy and that I’m happy.

I’m fucking delirious.

I don’t believe I’ll ever delete those photos. When I want to see your face they’re all I have. When I want to remember the good times instead of all my unhappy moments, they’re all I have. For a while, you were all I had.

Thought it over and decided, tonight, is the night.

Something I’ve worked so hard for has finally come to me and I couldn’t be happier. This is what happy feels like. Theres a river flowing from my eyes right now. I DID IT. I’m finally becoming everything I wanted to be and more. All of the hard work I’ve put in from the past couple of weeks is finally paying off. I told myself I would never feel the pain I was feeling again and I won’t. I still make that vow to myself.

For years I’ve told everyone that I will become X,Y, and Z without knowing how hard it would be to get there. This has been the worst struggle of my life and I will no longer be struggling. The ladder I will climb will be tall, but I will make it to the top. I can only go up from here. I’m ecstatic to see where this ladder takes me and who I will meet along the way. No matter what I will remain positive and I won’t look down. I will keep climbing higher and higher. No one will be able to stop me. NO ONE.

Today is my day, Tonight is my night. No more tears. You’re too good for that.

The Drought.

In life I want happiness.

I want to feel a sensation where I no longer have to deal with such great stresses from my everyday life. I want to be able to smile at any given moment because I’ll know for a fact that, in the end, everything will be okay. For now, I’m stuck unknowing. I can’t smile whenever I want to because I’m not truly happy. I know my time will come, but when? Why is it taking so long? I am young. Why is there so much on my mind at every moment?

Some may say I grew up too fast, and they’re right. I should’ve waited. Slowed my pace to make sure this is truly what I wanted. Now I don’t want it. This life, you can have it all back. I want a do-over. They say live your life with no regrets. Well, sometimes there are regrets. There are moments where you’re just not happy with some of the choices you’ve made and the only way to get over it is to deal with it. To be honest, I’m tired of “dealing with it.” Someone take me back to a time where I was young and carefree. A time where all I needed to care about was what outfit I was going to wear that day.  A time where I just needed to wake up, play, then fall asleep at the end of the day. Then I would grow up. I would grow up knowing the truth and I would have been smarter. Everything would fall into place better and I wouldn’t be where I am now or feel how I do now.

This week I’ve focused my life on no longer just “dealing with it.” I’m Done! For good and forever. I will be happy and it will come soon. That is a promise I’m making to myself and to the world. My emotional drought will soon be over.

Good Morning World.

This morning I am awake.

My goals will be accomplished, my faith will be restored, my head is held high. I just yearn for that tiny bit of motivation that will help with this day. There is none, nowhere in sight. The hardest part is actually getting up. That’s always been a big struggle of mine.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Time to get up. Have a great day readers.

To My Readers.

I am sorry I have been gone for so long. I was too deep in my mind and I lost track of myself. A lot has happened since the last time we have spoken and I am blessed to say that I might be on a new Earth. One where I have found a friend.

I am extremely thankful for my new found friend. She is the peeking light that shines through to my dark soul. Though I am not fully recovered, she understands. I know it’s hard and I am being patient. Take all the time you need to love me. No one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be hard. It shouldn’t be, but with me, it’s more complicated. I am a whirlwind with scars trailing right behind me. It’s my enemy that together, I hope we can conquer. The laughs and the adventure will make up for all the baggage I am bringing. I truly apologize.

I’ve missed this. Writing is breathing. I breathe in and my thoughts form a single file line, like school children. I breathe out and they prance onto the page never falling out of place. When I try to communicate verbally, everything jumbles around and I become so insecure. Insecurities: my other enemy, but you already know that and so that does my new friend. It’s almost conquered.

I thank you for staying with me while I was away and I can’t wait to get back into my writing groove. This read goes out to all of my viewers. Thank you for your time, your dedication, and your helpfulness. You truly are one of my friends. Friends of my new Earth. I am not sure why it has taken me so long to see it, but I’m happy I finally have.

I wont wait for forever, but I will wait for eventually.

Every breath, i breathe your name. 

Every step, i’m walking in a pool of your memories.

Every thought, is a thought about you.

I cant’ escape you.  I long to escape you, but I can’t. Water trickles from my eyes every time the slightest image of you appears in my head.  Do you miss me as much as I miss you?  We haven’t truly spoken in days.  Goodbyes and goodnights here and there.  Nothing more. 

The morning greeted me with your new found distance.  The night greets me with sorrow. Hopefully the next morning wont be as bitter. Maybe I’ll have a sweet reality. A whole new view.  Maybe then I’ll understand, but I’ll be waiting.  I’m “sure” of it.